So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
