His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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