mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There are leaves in my underwear?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
