Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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