My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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