that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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