Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
