i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
