then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
