The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
