Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my sisters under your porch take her home
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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