Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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