A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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