I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
