I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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