don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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