Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
