wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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