I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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