my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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