I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We don't watch enough power rangers
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Randomize