note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
