It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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