drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
