Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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