we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
