Where did you get a picture of my penis
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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