The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
