The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
