Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
