It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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