Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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