She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He felt like a one man threesome
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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