I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
