Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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