I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
