Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
