She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
