well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
