it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
