I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
