I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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