I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
