at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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