Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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