Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
