his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
