Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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