I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
