Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize