its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
