judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
