Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
