it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
