The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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