what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
please come you make the beer taste better
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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