don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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