The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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